Wednesday, December 14, 2005
3 Weeks of Chaos
During my college days, my friends and I came up with the theory of “3 Weeks of Chaos”. This is the three weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas and aptly named since so much crazy shit used to happen during this time period. Since college, the cycle hasn’t broken as is evident by the list of shit that’s gone down since I’ve returned from stuffing my face with turkey and mashed potatoes.
To start the chaos appropriately, my dad went a little haywire over Thanksgiving and said some unnecessary and hurtful shit to various members of the family. To his benefit (or embarrassment), he was pretty drunk at the time and the shit he said was in no way a reflection of how he feels deep down. Or was it? Whichever, my dad was an alcoholic for many years and still falls back into the nasty routine every once in a while. Although I’ve learned to live with this aspect of his personality, the wounds are always raw and fresh every time there is a new incident. I, basically, came back from my Thanksgiving weekend feeling like garbage.
Then my friend Rita gave birth! I totally think she should have named the baby “3 Weeks of Chaos” in keeping with tradition. But I guess “Ruby” is a fine name as well. It totally figures that the first baby born to one of my closest friends would happen between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I’ve never felt so proud of my dear Rita and I never needed a positive BOOST the way I needed this one. How can you feel bad about yourself when you look at a picture of Ruby with her precious little face and her tiny baby fingernails? I just love her so much already.
Although Paul and I broke up at the tail end of the summer, it’s like we’ve been breaking up with each other every day since. We made the decision to live together for one more year – based on finances, our friendship, and our fear of being completely alone. Ok, maybe that last one was more my fear than his, but I digress. Just about every single person in my life has told me that I’m making a mistake by living with him still and all that does is make it harder for me to survive this experience. Things are not going well with Paul and I spend quite a bit of time angry or in tears. But after 5 years together, should I expect anything less? Last night Paul and I had a conversation that left me scared and shaken for our future – not as boyfriends, but as the friends I thought we were. We’ve both got so much residual anger and hurt that I don’t think it will ever be possible for us to salvage any sort of a relationship. It’s incredibly devastating and the hardest part is that I don’t feel like I have a solid group of friends here to carry me through the hard times. Sure, I’ve got a million friends, but no group that shows up at my door with movies, junk food, and Kleenex. Starting over as a 28 year old single guy in NYC has turned out to be one of the loneliest and most difficult things I’ve ever had to go through. And the worst part is? I’ve never felt so shitty about myself before; as though I’m not worth being loved.
On top of all of this, I got touched by the hand of sickness last week and was in bed for days and days. Not only did I feel like crapcity, my emotions were really low and I crashed hard. My ever present depression made sure to remind me that I’m not in the clear and in fact, I still have a long road to go. There were definitely thoughts of suicide or hurting myself, but sometimes I feel so low that even THAT seems like too much effort. So I lay and stare at the wall and just wait until it’s time to go to bed, hoping that I’ll feel just a little bit better after a night’s rest.
Conversely, my therapist is extremely happy with the progress I’ve made in therapy. She is constantly reminding me that facing my demons, rather than running away, is always going to be a harder path to take, but it’s also going to be the path that leads me to personal growth and triumph. I cry every time I talk to Sophie and she hands me tissues and tells me to “let it out”. I’ve discovered the root to quite a few of my personal issues with family and friends and although I’m not at the point where I can fully let go of the anger, I’m definitely at the point where I can admit that my feelings are real and justifiable. If I were to come up with a “Cut the Shit Person of the Year”, it would clearly be Miss Sophie. While it may not feel like I’ve made headway in my personal life, Sophie consistently reminds me of the place I was at when I entered into therapy back in March. During this three week’s of chaos, I’m very lucky to have her standing by my side, encouraging me to take steps towards my recovery.
This year I made some incredible new friends: Tessafress, Randy, Tre-dawg, and Adam. I’ve spent many nights hanging out with them at their Alphabet City apartment, playing games, singing, laughing, and most importantly, feeling special. Since Thanksgiving, they’ve even met most of my close knit group of friends and they actually got along famously! So while sometimes I feel alone and pitiful, I try to remember my nights out with these people. And I know that if it ever gets really bad in my world, I can jump in a cab and head over to 5th street for some love and hugs. I’ve been told that I always have a place to stay in case things get unbearable in my apartment. I’ve been given the option of a place to hide and recuperate and if that day comes, for once I won’t feel guilty about following up on that offer. There are people that really do love me in this world and all I need to do is figure out a way to accept it.
Without a doubt, the highlight (aside from the new baby!) of the last 3 weeks has been my Christmas present from my dear friend Kelly. Not only was it a fantastic gift, it was planned as a surprise event that would include Kelly, Mariah, Angie, and me. On December 4th, we all showed up at Angie’s to have coffee (with Bailey’s of course). At 12:30pm, we got into a cab and got dropped off in front of Madison Square Garden. I looked up at the building in awe and was shocked to see that we were going to see a NY Knicks basketball game! A surge of excitement and joy coursed through my body as we all took our seats. For 3 hours, we drank beer, ate hot dogs, and enjoyed each other’s company. I had such a beautiful time that at one point I looked at Kelly and said “It’s moments like this that make me happy I’m alive”. She may not have fully understood the depth with which I meant that statement, but to me, I look back on that day as proof of my ability to feel happy. When my emotions take a tumble, I desperately try to grasp that positive feeling I had with my bestest and closest sitting by my side. Best. Christmas. Gift. Ever. For so many reasons.
With all of this going on, I’ve managed to finish almost all of my Christmas shopping. My plethora of holiday cards were mailed yesterday and I’m really on top of my game with everything – for once. I’m usually the guy that ends up spending most of Christmas Eve in the mall trying to throw together my gifts. My Christmas bonus was much more than expected and it definitely took the sting out of spending some real cash on those that I love. I may even have a little money left over at the end of the month, which I’ll obviously use towards something that I really need (ie: a new pair of shoes, a new pair of jeans, and/or a new PS2 videogame). Or maybe I’ll just put that money towards the IRS, who will barge into my life some time around mid-January.
With fingers crossed, I can only hope that the last week of chaos will be filled with crazy, but happy moments. 2005 was a year of change and growth and although my acting career isn’t exactly blossoming, I’m finally getting a grip on who I am and what I’m all about. 2006 will hopefully build off of that and catapult me into some genuine stability. And maybe even a little bit of hope.
During my college days, my friends and I came up with the theory of “3 Weeks of Chaos”. This is the three weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas and aptly named since so much crazy shit used to happen during this time period. Since college, the cycle hasn’t broken as is evident by the list of shit that’s gone down since I’ve returned from stuffing my face with turkey and mashed potatoes.
To start the chaos appropriately, my dad went a little haywire over Thanksgiving and said some unnecessary and hurtful shit to various members of the family. To his benefit (or embarrassment), he was pretty drunk at the time and the shit he said was in no way a reflection of how he feels deep down. Or was it? Whichever, my dad was an alcoholic for many years and still falls back into the nasty routine every once in a while. Although I’ve learned to live with this aspect of his personality, the wounds are always raw and fresh every time there is a new incident. I, basically, came back from my Thanksgiving weekend feeling like garbage.
Then my friend Rita gave birth! I totally think she should have named the baby “3 Weeks of Chaos” in keeping with tradition. But I guess “Ruby” is a fine name as well. It totally figures that the first baby born to one of my closest friends would happen between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I’ve never felt so proud of my dear Rita and I never needed a positive BOOST the way I needed this one. How can you feel bad about yourself when you look at a picture of Ruby with her precious little face and her tiny baby fingernails? I just love her so much already.
Although Paul and I broke up at the tail end of the summer, it’s like we’ve been breaking up with each other every day since. We made the decision to live together for one more year – based on finances, our friendship, and our fear of being completely alone. Ok, maybe that last one was more my fear than his, but I digress. Just about every single person in my life has told me that I’m making a mistake by living with him still and all that does is make it harder for me to survive this experience. Things are not going well with Paul and I spend quite a bit of time angry or in tears. But after 5 years together, should I expect anything less? Last night Paul and I had a conversation that left me scared and shaken for our future – not as boyfriends, but as the friends I thought we were. We’ve both got so much residual anger and hurt that I don’t think it will ever be possible for us to salvage any sort of a relationship. It’s incredibly devastating and the hardest part is that I don’t feel like I have a solid group of friends here to carry me through the hard times. Sure, I’ve got a million friends, but no group that shows up at my door with movies, junk food, and Kleenex. Starting over as a 28 year old single guy in NYC has turned out to be one of the loneliest and most difficult things I’ve ever had to go through. And the worst part is? I’ve never felt so shitty about myself before; as though I’m not worth being loved.
On top of all of this, I got touched by the hand of sickness last week and was in bed for days and days. Not only did I feel like crapcity, my emotions were really low and I crashed hard. My ever present depression made sure to remind me that I’m not in the clear and in fact, I still have a long road to go. There were definitely thoughts of suicide or hurting myself, but sometimes I feel so low that even THAT seems like too much effort. So I lay and stare at the wall and just wait until it’s time to go to bed, hoping that I’ll feel just a little bit better after a night’s rest.
Conversely, my therapist is extremely happy with the progress I’ve made in therapy. She is constantly reminding me that facing my demons, rather than running away, is always going to be a harder path to take, but it’s also going to be the path that leads me to personal growth and triumph. I cry every time I talk to Sophie and she hands me tissues and tells me to “let it out”. I’ve discovered the root to quite a few of my personal issues with family and friends and although I’m not at the point where I can fully let go of the anger, I’m definitely at the point where I can admit that my feelings are real and justifiable. If I were to come up with a “Cut the Shit Person of the Year”, it would clearly be Miss Sophie. While it may not feel like I’ve made headway in my personal life, Sophie consistently reminds me of the place I was at when I entered into therapy back in March. During this three week’s of chaos, I’m very lucky to have her standing by my side, encouraging me to take steps towards my recovery.
This year I made some incredible new friends: Tessafress, Randy, Tre-dawg, and Adam. I’ve spent many nights hanging out with them at their Alphabet City apartment, playing games, singing, laughing, and most importantly, feeling special. Since Thanksgiving, they’ve even met most of my close knit group of friends and they actually got along famously! So while sometimes I feel alone and pitiful, I try to remember my nights out with these people. And I know that if it ever gets really bad in my world, I can jump in a cab and head over to 5th street for some love and hugs. I’ve been told that I always have a place to stay in case things get unbearable in my apartment. I’ve been given the option of a place to hide and recuperate and if that day comes, for once I won’t feel guilty about following up on that offer. There are people that really do love me in this world and all I need to do is figure out a way to accept it.
Without a doubt, the highlight (aside from the new baby!) of the last 3 weeks has been my Christmas present from my dear friend Kelly. Not only was it a fantastic gift, it was planned as a surprise event that would include Kelly, Mariah, Angie, and me. On December 4th, we all showed up at Angie’s to have coffee (with Bailey’s of course). At 12:30pm, we got into a cab and got dropped off in front of Madison Square Garden. I looked up at the building in awe and was shocked to see that we were going to see a NY Knicks basketball game! A surge of excitement and joy coursed through my body as we all took our seats. For 3 hours, we drank beer, ate hot dogs, and enjoyed each other’s company. I had such a beautiful time that at one point I looked at Kelly and said “It’s moments like this that make me happy I’m alive”. She may not have fully understood the depth with which I meant that statement, but to me, I look back on that day as proof of my ability to feel happy. When my emotions take a tumble, I desperately try to grasp that positive feeling I had with my bestest and closest sitting by my side. Best. Christmas. Gift. Ever. For so many reasons.
With all of this going on, I’ve managed to finish almost all of my Christmas shopping. My plethora of holiday cards were mailed yesterday and I’m really on top of my game with everything – for once. I’m usually the guy that ends up spending most of Christmas Eve in the mall trying to throw together my gifts. My Christmas bonus was much more than expected and it definitely took the sting out of spending some real cash on those that I love. I may even have a little money left over at the end of the month, which I’ll obviously use towards something that I really need (ie: a new pair of shoes, a new pair of jeans, and/or a new PS2 videogame). Or maybe I’ll just put that money towards the IRS, who will barge into my life some time around mid-January.
With fingers crossed, I can only hope that the last week of chaos will be filled with crazy, but happy moments. 2005 was a year of change and growth and although my acting career isn’t exactly blossoming, I’m finally getting a grip on who I am and what I’m all about. 2006 will hopefully build off of that and catapult me into some genuine stability. And maybe even a little bit of hope.
